Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I would fuck him just for his dog
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
