before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
