my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
