2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can text with my tongue
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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