Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
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dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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