I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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