apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i love accidental penises.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
