My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
