so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
