I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
