I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
