just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
where are my eyebrows?
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