My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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