apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
