Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
