Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
