theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
