God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
