Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
