Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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