the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
