my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
