we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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