Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
