so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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