Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
