i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
