Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
