38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh god it's open bar.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
