I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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