Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think my mom watched the whole time
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
