I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
