No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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