I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have fence marks all over my body
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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