When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
