peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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