I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
