you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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