You work out of a Hotel?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
