Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
