non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
