if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
