I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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