just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet he comes in French.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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