anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
