She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
