Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
