oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He? As in you personified your dick?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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