She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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