Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
