cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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