He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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