if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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