My underwear smells like fireworks.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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