Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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