She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
