wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
